almost cape town

I'vc spent the past few months waiting for this, and it's finally here! Since Nate left, we've been planning to meet in South Africa for the next two weeks, and - finally - I am on my way there. Nate leaves Baghdad today. Hopefully he'll be able to get a ticket to Cape Town easily so I don't have to wait around in Cape Town all by myself. For the first time in four years, I left my laptop at home for this trip, so I won't be writing as much as normal, but I'll try to find internet cafes and update the blog a few times. Happy New Year!! I know ours will be!!

The Gap

This Friday marks one year since we lost Tyler, and words fail to describe the depth to which our loss still reaches. It seems like this Christmas season is a little more difficult for me, but really, I'm not more sad than I always am. That's the thing about loss like this...it doesn't really follow the rules. It comes when you least expect it...like yesterday during lunch with a friend who did not know him. And then, on other days that one would expect to be difficult, the grief just seems to slip beneath the surface for a while. I'm ok today. I thought I wouldn't be...I'm sitting at the same gate where I sat the night he died...waiting to board a flight home. I guess I can either be angry at the times it hits, or appreciate the reprieve. I think I'm both. And sometimes, I strangely want the grief to surface. I guess grief let me know I'm not forgetting. Someone asked me the other day if I could be granted one wish, what would it be. The obvious answer would be - I would feel no more grief. But I do not wish that. And honestly, as much as it gives me pain to watch my family grieve, I would not ask to have their pain removed either. This seems strange even to me, and I'm the one typing this. But I would rather feel pain than feel nothing. I hate this grief, but it is part of the love we have for Tyler. C.S. Lewis said it something like this: "The pain we feel now is part of the joy we felt then." I am looking forward to being with my family in just a few hours. We will spend time reflecting, playing, eating, skiing, talking, crying, and laughing. Life is rich, even now. And in less than two weeks, I will be with the love of my life, on the vacation of a lifetime. And life will be good. I have never been more thankful for hope. I found the following essay buried in the comments of a friend's blog. I'm putting it here because it speaks to the grief of my parents in a way I never could. The Gap The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial add a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

Opera

I just found this video on a friend's blog and was so moved I just had to share it. It seems as if the whole world has been talking about this humble man. Where have I been??? You MUST watch it if you have not already.

Thanksgiving

I just got back to Phoenix after spending almost a week in Muleshoe with my family for Thanksmas (we had "Christmas" on Thanksgiving this year). Nate is, of course, still in Iraq and got to enjoy a great Thanksgiving feast at the D-FAC (dining facility) in the IZ. He said the decorations were nice, and the food was great, but he missed being in Muleshoe. And we all missed having him there. Every year, Papa and my brothers brothers fry a turkey (or two), and Nate stuffs and roasts one. In Nate's absence, I was given the chore of stuffing the turkey. I'm pretty sure my family is ready for Nate to be home so he can roast the turkey next year! He does a much better job than I do. We all missed Nate for more than his cooking skills. My family LOVES Nate, and they all miss him almost as much as I do! Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and this year at Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for Nate. There is no man like him, and I feel lucky to have him.

It is difficult to express the emotion of our time together this year. We are overwhelmed with memories of Tyler and his love for the holidays. We miss him so much - all the time, but especially during this season. Tyler loved cold weather and snow, and we got plenty of that this year! He also loved Thanksgiving and Christmas more than anyone I know, and we missed his joy this year, but we also made new memories and enjoyed being together. As we missed him, and celebrated his life, we spent a lot of time being thankful that we can claim victory over death because of Jesus Christ. I have never been more grateful for the reality that this life is such a tiny piece of time, and anxious for that sweet reunion. We have so much to look forward to in heaven, and we are thankful that God continues to shower us with blessings on earth.

We are all grateful for God's timing in giving us little nephews who are always reminders of God's renewal and blessing. Will and Levi are precious, and I don't think any of us can think of what we did before they were around! We loved spoiling them all week and I think Kara and Zach may have enjoyed getting to sleep in a little. I don't know how they do it!

Here are a few pictures from the week.

Me and the boys in our Notre Dame gear...we took this one for Uncle Nate.

Little Cowboys - Heather and Ben bought these hats for the boys...looks like they're ready for some ropin' and ridin'! So cute!

My amazing parents and Cori, the youngest Sheets kid. Proof that it snowed! Some crazies went outside when it had to be 15 degrees outside and tried to play football. It was so cold that, even with gloves, my fingers were so frozen they hurt! I lasted about 5 minutes! We miss playing with Tyler, but he lives on in every new memory we make. The guys with their fried turkey - we haven't burned the house down yet.... I just couldn't finish this post about Thanksgiving without adding a picture of Tyler.

Rain

Today it finally feels like fall. It's 10:00 in the morning, and the mercury hasn't risen above the 70 mark! There's a cool breeze so I have all the windows open as I sit here and study. A few minutes ago, I began to hear rain falling softly on our patio. It's just a few drops, but it's enough to bring that earthy smell of rain. Rain always makes me think of Tyler. He loved the rain...no...he LOVES the rain. He still does I suppose. Every time it rains, I imagine Tyler up there asking God to send rain to us. I think rain probably reminds us all of TY. Part of me thinks every time it rains that it's Tyler asking God to remind us that he is still showering blessings on us, that out of our dried up grieving souls God is making new life in us. I imagine that God is telling me that my parched soul will continue to be quenched by his love, and the new blessings that he brings. I imagine that, for Tyler, rain would have been a reminder that the heart of life is good. And, if I remember Ty for who he really was, I have to admit that a small part of me laughs and thinks that he's probably up there getting God to send rain so we won't forget how amazing he was, hoping that maybe someday, someone will write a book about him.

Texas Welcome

This makes me proud to be a Texan.

Our nephews Levi (as Snoopy) and Will (as Charlie Brown) on Halloween. Could they be any cuter? For more pictures, go to Kara's blog.

More Photos From Iraq

Here are some recent photos from Iraq. This first one is very interesting to me. During the Iran/Iraq War from 1980 to 1988, Saddam Hussein commanded his soldiers to bring home the helmet of every Iranian soldier he killed. Then he built a monument called Crossed Swords to celebrate his alleged victory over Iran. The helmets of thousands of Iranian soldiers are piled high around the base of that monument. Some of them can be seen in this photo. What can't be seen in this photo are the bullet holes and other scars caused by shrapnel or some other violence that ended the life of the wearer. This monument is inside the Green Zone.

This one was taken at a meat market in the Diyala province. Note that there are no women in this photo. This is one of the most obvious oddities about the Middle East in general. There just aren't a lot of women out roaming around or running errands in public. Interesting.

Nate sent me this photo that he took on one of his trips.

He titled it "doomed sheep." No doubt! Poor little thing.

When I was in Jordan, I saw some men slaughtering a sheep

and gutting the poor thing for Iftar (evening meal during Ramadan).

When I tried to take a photo, the men began to shout and sneer

at me. I guess maybe taking a photo of the iftar lamb makes it unclean?

I quickly put the camera away.

Happy News

After a few weeks out of the country, I am back and ready to update again. There's not much to update on the Otts, but I do have big news from the Sheets Family. My little brother Landon is engaged! He proposed last weekend in Sedona, and I was lucky enough to go along to take pictures of the BIG SURPRISE! Whitney was completely surprised by the proposal itself, and even more shocked when we walked into my house and found her parents, my parents, and two of my sisters in teh living room. Way to go Landon! We all had a great weekend celebrating, and can't wait to celebrate with the whole of our families next summer! Here's a picture of the happy couple.

Nate is still working his tail off in Iraq. He is learning a lot about a lot of things, including how to survive on almost no sleep. It seems like things are looking better in Iraq in general. The rate of violence has dropped in the past few weeks. We are still praying for victory in Iraq so that all of our men and women can come home.

It's been six months since Nate left, so we're half way there...almost. I'm counting the days until we see each other for Nate's mid tour in South Africa. He'll be home the first of May. This year deployment thing is not easy. The missing each other is the hardest thing, but there are other things that are difficult too. Things like trimming trees, pulling weeds, taking out the trash, cleaning the floors, making coffee in the morning. Having Nate gone makes me realize how many things he does around here. Things just aren't as easy, or as much fun, without him here.

petition for a friend

Some of our dear friends adopted a precious little boy from Guatemala a year ago. After a wonderful adoption experience, they decided to adopt a little girl, also from Guatemala. They just received photos of Izabelle, the little girl that will one day be their daughter. Days later, the Guatemalan government announced that it is ceasing all adoptions as of 1/1/08. Sadly, this illegal action by the Guatemalan government will prevent our friends from picking up their little girl. I haven't experienced this, but I know this is painful for our friends who would give anything to hold their little Izabelle. Please click here to sign a petition asking our government to take every step necessary to intervene.

Lunch on the run. Takin' care of business. Lounging on Saddam's throne with a British chap.

Interesting Camo

I cannot think of an environment in which this camo scheme would blend in more than stand out. Anyone??

A Daring Adventure...Or Nothing At All

Helen Keller got it when she said that life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all. She knew that security and safety are mere superstitions, and that they do not exist for the children of man. This is something I've done a lot of thinking about in the past 8 months since Tyler died. And since Nate left for Iraq, this notion of safety has been at the forefront of my mind in every moment. Ty's death could have made me afraid to live for fear that I would die (or afraid to allow those I love to live for fear of losing them). But what is the point of that? It could have made me live in constant anxiety for my soul mate who is spending a year in a war zone. It could have made me decide to be more careful, more timid, less inclined to take on adventures (not that being careful is a bad idea necessarily). But none of these things: being more careful, timid, afraid, anxious, stressed, worried or even planning better - none of these things will ever make me safer. None of them give me more control over Nate's safety. And none of them bring me closer to living a life that is a daring adventure. Thanks to my family for understanding and sharing this idea of life as a daring adventure, and to Nate for spurring me on to do the things that I fear the most. And thanks to you all for your constant prayers that hold me up daily!

Baghdad Bridge

Pictures from Baghdad

My blog has been pretty BORING lately, partly because I really don't want to write about how much I miss Nate all the time, which is what I'm thinking a lot of the time, and partly because I know that what everyone really wants to know is this: What is Nate doing? How is Nate doing? Where is he? etc...etc...etc. (Shaggs??? Funny???) (Sorry, inside joke). But seriously. I really want to share what he's up to over there, but just don't know all that much because he can't tell me that much. And when he does tell me something, the details of that something somehow manage to leave me almost immediately. So, I ran across this blog. The entire blog is interesting, but this post is why we're discussing someone else's blog: http://gatewaypundit.blogspot.com/2007/06/peshmerga-women-steal-show-at-iraqi.html Nate was at this PIC that the blogger is discussing. In fact, if I look closely, I think I see him in one of those pictures. Look closely...again.... Ok, so he's not in any of the pictures, but HE WAS THERE!!! I don't know why I think that is so cool, but I do. These PIC ceremonies - these are what Nate's office does. Not the pomp and circumstance part, but the making sure the government is ready for a new province, and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember that relates to making sure the government is ready for a new province part. Just thought I'd share.

Amazed by Nate

Warning: I'm about to brag on Nate!! Stop here if you don't want to hear it.

Nate is not a complainer. He asks for nothing (except coffee), and is perfectly content where he is (aside from missing me of course). He sleeps on a cot, never complaining even though I know it makes his back ache miserably all the time. And Baghdad is even hotter than Phoenix. It doesn't take much to make Nate content in his surroundings.

Lately, several kind people have asked me what they could send to Nate...what he needs that he can't get. They are insistent that he must have wants and needs that they can help fill, and I am grateful for this thoughtfulness. For weeks I have been asking Nate to help me think of things that he needs, to no avail. He has always told me he doesn't need a thing. Until last night. Last night when I asked, he told me he needed clothes of all sizes for both men and women, and for children. Odd request, I thought. He said that when people are injured there, the medics or hospital has to cut their clothes off. The poor Iraqi people do not have very many clothes, and he suspects that losing a shirt or pair of pants creates a burden. The amazing thing about Nate is that he doesn't think twice about this. It is all very matter of fact to him. He doesn't want a hero's medal for this, and may not be very happy with me for sharing. I love that about him. His joy is to save the world, one person at a time.

Thousands of men and women serve in Iraq, finding this same joy in helping the people there. We owe a debt of gratitude to these people who are not only soldiers, but who serve as our ambassadors to the world. They are content sleeping on a cot in the desert, away from their families, scorpions and snakes slithering about, while I sit at home complaining because there's a silly little cricket chirping in the corner.

Thank God for the tough ones who fight for people like me.

Nate Looking Tough

hot dogs and orange juice

Shelley left for Texas on Friday after a week long visit to Arizona. During her visit, I made good use of her mad decorating skills, we spent a lot of time at the DeKok's pool (always wearing SPF 45 of course, Papa), saw a rather humorous production of "The King and I" at a theatre across town, and took a girls only camping trip to Sedona - a trip that we will one day look back on as being fun. Just kidding. It was fun, but not without glitches. We were so proud of ourselves for going camping - just the two of us girls. We had it all planned out. Got the grub, and I don't mean sandwiches. We were going to eat well on our camping trip. We bought beef tenderloin, and I sliced zuchini that we planned to grill.

We got up Sunday morning and drove to Sedona heading straight to this beautiful 4 hour hike, and did the whole thing. By the end, we were ravenous enough that we were practically running to the car. We could hardly wait to get to camp, set up the tent, and eat a gourmet camp dinner of beef tenderloin and grilled zuchini. Well...we found the camp site just fine, and then things took a turn for the worse. The Camp host informed us that there was a burn ban - no problem (especially since we forgot the matches). We looked at each other with confident snickers, knowing we had conquered the burn ban problem with our electric griddle and nifty converter. Oh, and our camp site was right next to the camp hosts' who sat and wathed our every move.

This fact made it much more difficult as we tried oh so hard to be inconspicuous with the huge electric griddle and regular-sized 10-cup coffee pot, not wanting to give the impression that we were not "roughing it." Shelley handed me the griddle, got the extension cord, and as I plugged it into the converter, I head a beep and then a very small pop - the converter short circuiting I guess. Now we didn't have a heat source and there would be no coffee in the morning. Thankfully (I guess) we took along some hotdogs (no buns, but we did have some french bread). We each had a cold hotdog on french bread with lots of mustard, and orange juice that was supposed to be enjoyed with the eggs, bacon, sausage, and biscuits that we both looked forward to so much, reminiscing about camp breakfast on Sheets family camping trips. Here is a picture of all of the things we took on our camping trip and didn't get to use.

I guess this gives away the fact that we planned to watch DVDs on our camping trip. Oh, and we were too embarrassed to drag the laptop (for watching the DVDs), the coffee pot, and the griddle out onto the picnic table for the photo shoot. Too obvious. Notice there are no matches on the table. One thing we could have used that we didn't remember to take: flashlight. Who goes camping and remembers the coffee pot but forgets the flashlight and matches for goodness sake?

Thankfully, having no way to cook our food gave us an excuse to go into town: we needed ice to preserve our food. On the way in to town, we noticed an ice cream shop. After suffering through cold hot dogs for dinner (cold hot dogs are so much worse than hot ones by the way...SO much worse), we decided we deserved ice cream. We ordered a double dip on a waffle cone to share, and a DECAF coffee, which I'm pretty sure was mistakenly made regular based on the hours it took us both to go to sleep! Best ice cream we've ever had...hands down. It was homemade. One scoop of malted vanilla, and one scoop of gingersnap (homemade vanilla with cinnamon swirls and crushed ginger snaps). We'll have to go back some day to see if it's really the best ice cream ever or if we were just hungry for something besides cold hotdogs and OJ.

Actually (that's for you, Kara), we did have a wonderful time, and are sure that the men in our lives (Nate, Papa and the brothers) would be proud of the two of us for attempting to rough it, even if we did forget the matches and try to cheat a little. It ended up being a fun trip and no doubt a lasting memory. We are both thankful to our Papa for teaching us to be creative and to turn challenges into fun memories!

This is Shaggs enjoying some good cold hot dog and OJ. You can tell she loved it! The above photo was taken at a coffee shop where we stopped in for our much needed morning cup of coffee (or cream if if you're Shelley).

7 Weeks Down - 45 To Go

More than seven weeks have passed since Nate left for Iraq, and it has just flown by! I have spend the past three weeks in Texas, where I finished my last class in law school and hung out with my family a lot. Last weekend, I decided at the last minute to go to a John Mayer concert in Dallas with most of my siblings (Landon was in Oregon with Whitney's family and Kara was at home withe my sweet nephews). We had a great time at the concert, and then made the late night drive from Dallas to Abilene. Reminded me of the many times I made that post-concert drive in college. Great memories, but I have to say that I had a better time at this concert with my bros and sisters than I ever did in college. They are my best friends. What a blessing to have such amazing family!

Now I'm back in Phoenix enjoying the hot, hot desert summer! I'm working from home for a lawyer in West Texas. I'm liking the work so far, and LOVE the flexibility it allows, and I have some future plans up my sleeve, so stay tuned! My sister Shelley is coming to visit in a week or so and I can't wait to hang out with her! Yesterday, my parents, along with Gini, Cori, and Heather left for Zimbabwe, Africa. Please pray for their safety, and for energy. There is so much work to be done there.

I wish I could say more about what Nate is doing. Unfortunately he can't really tell me all that much. He is doing very well and loving his job, which he says is fascinating. He's still working long hours, but is not overwhelmed as he was in the beginning. He loves getting to take little trips outside the IZ. I can tell those are the highlight of his time there. I'll leave you with a few photos he has sent.

This is Nate shopping for my anniversary gift, which I love by the way!

Provincial Iraqi Control Handover Ceremony

Here is a picture of Nate and some Iraqi kids at a Provincial Iraqi Control handover ceremony last week in the northern part of Iraq. I think this is his favorite part of the job - getting to meet the Iraqi people and be a part of giving their country back as they are ready. He is getting more rest these past few days, and is enjoying his work and the people he works with. We have been overwhelmed with support from so many people and can not express our thanks. Thank you to everyone at WVBC for all you're doing for us. We can't say enough thanks. And thank you all, friends and family, for your many prayers. Keep them coming! I'll keep posting pictures as I get them.

Pictures of My Hero

I finally have a couple of pictures to share. This is Nate sleeping on a transport aircraft that was taking him somewhere inside Iraq. Nate was trying to write in his journal, when his body decided to catch up on some much needed sleep. Notice the guy next to him, sleeping soundly with that big gun slung across his lap. I think that would make me nervous! I just got off the phone with Nate and he is doing well. His new boss arrived last week, so things have been extra busy lately. Hopefully things will normalize in the coming weeks, but this is Iraq we're talking about so I'm not counting on it.

Here is a picture of Nate in a helicopter being taken somewhere...I can't remember which trip this was, and he can't tell me half of what he does anyway. We've been able to talk a lot still, and we both thank God for that. It is the highlight of our day each day and makes things so much easier. God bless all of those Marine wives - they deserve our thanks. They are the really tough ones. Please keep the prayers coming for Nate's safety. He also wanted me to ask people to pray that he will be able to make it on 4-5 hours of sleep a night without getting sick. He's been on the verge for a week or so. Please pray that he will have ample energy to do his job well. I think I'll have more pictures coming soon. Until then....

Waiting on Pictures

I keep waiting for Nate to send me some pictures so I can post them on here. But it seems he has more important things to do. I'll give him that. So far, he has been working 18 hour days and seems to be loving his job, which is absolutely fascinating. I admit - I'm a little jealous (of the work, not the work hours!). I take my last final tomorrow, and then who knows what. I'll post pictures from Nate when I have some.

perspective

"It has a feeling a lot like summer camp, but with snappier uniforms." - Nate, when asked what the Green Zone is like. Interesting perspective. I don't have a lot of time to write today, but I will try to write more by the end of the week. I am thrilled to say that Nate and I are the proud aunt and uncle of two precious new baby boys. William Cotton and Levi Blake were born this morning to my brother Zach and his wife Kara. I'm in Phoenix, so haven't met them yet. I can hardly wait!!! To see pictures of the boys, check out Kara's blog at www.karasheets.blogspot.com.

Green Zone Arrival

It is settled. Military travel is officially the slowest in the world. Nate departed Phoenix at 7:15 am local time on Sunday, and I just received a phone call from him at 7:35 am (Phoenix time) - on Wednesday morning. He found an American with a cell phone and called me 10 minutes after making it to the Green Zone. That means it took him THREE DAYS to get from here to there. Poor guy is exhausted. He said something about having a hot meal. The three cheddar and proscuitto sandwhiched I made for the journey just weren't quite filling enough I guess. It's dinner time there, and we've actually heard that the food there is very good, so maybe he'll get a satsfying meal after days in desert airports with hundred of other uniformed men and women. It's hot in Baghdad today (like most days), and pretty hazy he said. I looked at Baghdad weather, and it seems like Baghdad weather is worse than Phoenix!! Hard to believe it's so hot and humid at the same time. I asked Nate what it looked like there, and he said he can't see much for all the concrete walls. Evidently the place where he will be living/working is well protected. I still don't have his address, but will get it in the next day I am sure.

Deployment

What a month this has been! Two weeks ago the Ott house was fairly quiet, with me preparing for finals and Nate doing his job as Chief of Scheduling at Luke AFB. A week ago today, we received work that there was a position for Nate in Iraq. This news turned our lives into a whirlwind as we completed the never-ending "deployment checklist" and spent hours running errands, doing paperwork, picking up new uniforms and packing his bags for a whole year in Iraq. And now the house is quiet again (though a little messy from the chaos). I have not taken any finals, and have no idea what the next year holds for me. Nate and I both wait expectantly for the blessings that will flow from this year. Nate's job will be challenging and interesting - and relatively safe. He will be in Baghdad working as an executive for a top commander there. Please pray for his work there, for his safety, and for both of us as we miss one another terribly. Pray that Iraq will find stability so that all troops can return home soon. And pray that my spirit will be calm and not frantic with worry for Nate. I will continue to blog, and will keep everyone updated on how Nate is doing. If you would like his address, please let me know.

Senator McCain and the cheap seats

Last night was the Arizona Diamondbacks' opening day game and Nate's squadron was in charge of the annual fly-by. Nate didn't fly, but got to walk around in his flight suit getting saluted by people who either thought he was in one of the jets or simply appreciate his service. We were invited to a corporate suite where we were lucky enough to meet John McCain. He's short. It was nice being in the suite. We appreciated the invitation and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. But I have to say a ballgame just isn't the same when you're not among the masses. We plan to go to another game when my brother Ben is here in a couple of weeks. We'll sit in the cheap seats and have a dog and a coke. Then I'll feel like I've been to the ballpark.

Major Ott

Nate doesn't like to make a big deal out of stuff like this, but I am so proud of him! On Monday Nate was promoted to Major! He's been in the Air Force for almost 10 years now. Since we met, he's been Captain Ott. It's going to be different calling the squadron and asking for Major Ott!

Hard to lose a son

What makes today so hard when yesterday was not? It's been three and a half months since we lost Tyler, and today the overwhelming sadness of it all is as real to me as it was that very first day. This weekend is Easter and I have been meditating on the cross. This unspeakable anguish has increased my love for my Lord - for his sacrifice. Losing Tyler has caused me to feel a tiny shred of the pain He felt in sending His son, knowing what we would do to Him. But if I feel this much, how much more do my parents feel? I will never forget the anguished sound of my Papa's voice when he spoke of God's sacrifice the day after Tyler died. I will never forget the pain in his voice when he lamented with God: "It's hard to lose a son." And God chose to lose His son. God must have chosen the greatest sacrifice. He did not send a brother, a wife or a friend. He sent His son. Losing a child must be the greatest loss. Of course there is joy at the end of the story, just as there is joy at the end of our tragedy. How I long for heaven. I love Chris Rice's "Untitled Hymn." It reminds me that in everything: joy and pain, success and failure, birth and death - He is here with me, and He has walked this painful road that we now seem to crawl. When I cry to him, he cries with me, for He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with suffering.

the 'burbs

Nate and I have lived in Arizona for almost exactly a year now. We bought a brand new house in a brand new neighborhood, and we have settled in nicely. There are some funny (funny?) things about living in this nice new neighborhood governed by an HOA. Commies. A few weeks after we moved in we received a citation from an organization that we voluntarily joined requiring us to pay a fine for leaving our garbage receptacle "in sight" for too long. Since that time, we have received numerous warnings and citations for violations ranging from not pulling our weeds on time to parking the car on the curb. Recently we began landscaping our back yard. We had a situation (another story altogether) and needed to remove part of our Communist-esque cinderblock wall in order to allow the Bobcat to carry our three 2000 lb trees into the yard. The by-laws say that we can do this, and say how to do it, and tell the rules for rebuilding the fence. But...we were still required to petition the board of the HOA for permission to take down the wall. In the mean time, now that our fence is revealing the fact that our back yard is still a piece of dirt, we find out that we were supposed to landscape our yard within 120 days of taking possession. I suppose we'll be getting fined for that now. Don't ask Nate about any of this. He turns red in the face. We own our property, he says. I'm beginning to think the Otts don't fit in so well in the 'burbs, where people get all twitterpated by anything less than prim. I like leaving my waterhose across the driveway if I want. I wonder if our neighbors get a fine for their incessantly barking dogs??